Woman lost 200 pounds, now miserable?

First, watch here: http://gma.yahoo.com/video/gma-woman-loses-200-pounds-080000296.html

This story immediately caught my attention on Good Morning America today. The headline was "Woman Loses 200 Pounds, Now Miserable" and told the story of Jen Larson, who had gastric bypass surgery at 308 pounds, and how after losing 200 pounds found herself miserable.

"What, the what?!" most people were probably thinking watching this story over their morning coffee. But I was intrigued by the headline and I was enthralled once the segment came on my TV. I stood there captivated, understanding all to well what Jen lamented about her significant amount of weight loss, feeling the anxiety come over me from how much I identified with exactly. what. she. said.

GMA Interviewer: Did you find yourself becoming more obsessed with your weight when you were thin?
Jen: Absolutely. You know, being thin didn't make me happy. I'm still looking in the mirror and I'm still hating what I see and how is this even possible?

Shut. The. Front. Door. This. is. me.

I often try to articulate how much more self-conscious I am about my body now that I've lost a significant amount of weight. I always feel uncomfortable when I mention it to friends, family, etc, so I don't do it very often. But the truth is, I NEVER looked in the mirror when I was heavier with the same HATE and DISGUST that I do now that I am smaller. Especially now that I'm up 25 pounds from my lowest weight. I am still 5-6 dress sizes SMALLER than my biggest, and yet I look in the mirror with disgust EVERY. SINGLE. DAY.

Another "Ah-ha" moment was when they interviewed Psychoanalyst, Bethany Marshall, "Obese people live with the fairytale or the illusion that if they lost the weight their lives would be better. But what happens is when they lose the buffer they feel people are scrutinizing them."




I never thought that weight loss was an automatic fix to all of life's problems, but the part where she talks about the buffer being lost is so true. When you carry around an extra 100 or 200 pounds, you feel like you have an invisibility cloak protecting you from the scrutiny of public eyes. Although this is ludicrous. I'm here to tell you I am more "noticed" at my current size than I ever was at 350+ pounds. People look you in the eye more often, hold open doors more often, make friendly conversation more often, and then there is the issue of extra attention from the opposite sex. These are all things I've had to figure out how to internalize and deal with and I'm still figuring it out.

I truly believe these are things hindering my weight loss. I've had to re-learn to live in new skin, so to speak, and I think my inability to do that at the moment is turning me back into the food addict I was at 355 pounds. I am regressing and spiraling out of control.

I don't want people to think that losing weight is a bad decision. It 150% was the best thing I've ever done for my life and gave me SO much more confidence and ability to live life with fewer worries. I am glad I am still fighting to continue until I am 100% the healthiest and strongest I can be because I know that is what's best for my quality of life. However, seeing this segment gave me a voice. It made me realize these feelings - every single one of them - are normal. Now that I have this realization in the back of my mind, I feel like I can approach this next chapter of the journey with clearer eyes and continue to fight the good fight.

The Golden Ticket of Weight Loss

The Secret to Loving Your Body Isn't Losing Weight

A friend shared this link with a group of us on Facebook and it really struck a chord with me. After leaving long, rambling comments about it, I realized a blog post should be dedicated to my thoughts on the subject.

The article has some very true points. We do think things like, "if I could just lose 20 lbs [insert guy's name here] may notice me." Or, "If I can just lose 50 lbs I'll be happy with my body just the way it is."

We as human beings aren't satisfied with what we have or are. We continuously try to "better" ourselves. Whether it's for personal accomplishment or for vanity, there is always something we want more of - more weight to be lost or another rung on the corporate ladder to climb, it's always something.

I feel a little out of the norm, but at my heaviest I never had terrible, life consuming thoughts about how horrible my body was. Of course I hated being morbidly obese. It was uncomfortable. I missed out on a lot of things. But I always accepted it as how I was and didn't dwell on a guy not liking me or being passed up for a promotion because of my size. Of course I had moments where I was depressed about my size, but overall I didn't stress about it on a regular basis.

Now though, now I feel like my insecurity about my body is worse. What, the what? Yeah, it makes no sense. Girl loses 115 pounds. Girl gets more insecure.

I'd like to point out here that perhaps the reason I have the tendency to be MORE insecure is that I wasn't really living all that much life at 355 lbs. I hid behind my weight and the angry, tough girl persona I took on. (This could be a whole blog post all in itself).

The article is right - weight loss is no golden ticket to happiness. You have to choose that on your own. BUT I do not agree with this loaded statement:

"You may have lost weight—and that's great for a lot of reasons—but you are likely the same person with the same outlook, same personality, same level of overall happiness."

I'm challenging this statement with my own bold statement: I am NOT the same person I was 115 lbs ago - or even 90 lbs ago. I also have a completely different outlook and I KNOW my (actual) happiness level is way higher than it was when I was 355 lbs (or 329).

I'm not saying "I lost 115 lbs and now my life is all flowers and butterflies." There are a lot of things that are HARDER now (Read: learning how to deal with new found attention from the opposite sex). But overall I am a happier and more content person than I was as a morbidly obese 20-something and to say I am the same person I was at that point in my life doesn't give credit to how much growth we have to do as we lose a significant amount of weight.

The final point of the article - that exercise breeds confidence - I do agree with. The fact that I could go out yesterday and run 9 miles? THAT definitely makes me confident that I can do anything I put my mind to and gives me a feeling to WANT to take care of myself.

If I never lose another pound? I'll figure out how to accept and love my body. But if I were to stop exercising regularly? There is nothing that could replace the confidence I feel from a good workout.

Vulnerability

Vulnerability.

I've been thinking a lot lately about when and why we let ourselves be vulnerable. For the last several weeks, for a variety of different reasons related to weight loss and not, I've been allowing myself to be very vulnerable to others.

Thinking about this made me relate it all back to my weight loss journey and think about how there is a lot to weight loss making me feel vulnerable.

Posting my weight on the Internet for friends, family, strangers, coworkers - EVERYONE to see. This means practically everyone in my life knows my weight. They know when I gain weight. They know when I lose weight. It leaves me vulnerable.

Sharing old pictures of me at my highest weight. Many of the people in my life now didn't know that Emily. With those pictures I was admitting I was once 355 lbs. It left me vulnerable.

I write down my random thoughts, admitting them to the world. I talk about my fears, my anxiety, my dysfunctional relationship with food. Things I've never admitted out loud, I write down for everyone to read. And that leaves me vulnerable.

The level of vulnerability I've been experiencing the last few weeks scares me to say the least, but I hope I am becoming a better person for it.

I know I suck at blogging this week. Healthy March update coming tomorrow. Weigh in Sunday and next week I hope to have some ideas in the back of my head for you.

By the way, I now have FORTY followers - FORTY! When I started this blog, I think the only person that read it was my roommate (heyyyyy KG). I thank you ALL for subscribing to read my crazy, sometimes uptight, thoughts about my weight loss journey. Y'all are the best!