*pushes dust aside*
Well, it seems I took an unintentional hiatus from blogging over the holidays. I posted the Wednesday before my 4th half marathon for 2012 and POOF the year was over. I also haven't weighed-in in over 6 weeks.
But you know what? It's ok.
I was really struggling at the end of the year. Overeating at the beginning of November during my mom's visit turned into overeating at Thanksgiving, which rolled right along into Christmas and the New Year.
The last few months have been a struggle mentally for me. The holiday season began with me having not lost any weight in well over 14 months. I began finding myself unable to control my eating habits either by what I was eating or how much. It was a vicious cycle. I would eat a handful of candy at work and then feel guilty so then I'd say, "fuck it" and go back for another handful. "I'm not losing weight anyway, so I might as well." I would think to myself.
For the last several months I've been meeting up with a lovely group of ladies every other week where we talk about food, body image, emotional health, exercise, and personal goal-setting. At our last meeting before the holidays I had an epiphany of sorts.
I realized, through discussion of the group, that I was carrying around so. much. guilt. Guilt from not losing weight in over 14 months, guilt from my weight slowly creeping up, guilt from not being able to control myself with food, guilt from indulging in the office goodies, guilt about everything having to do with my own personal health and fitness journey.
The next day I woke up, let go all of the guilt, and vowed to just live my life during the last 3 weeks of 2012.
So I did.
Did I gain more weight? You bet I did. More than I ever could have imagined. And I'm trying to continue not to have any guilt about that.
It is what it is and I know how to change it.
This process of releasing the guilt and gaining back some of the weight I've lost is an important (dare I say it) milestone in my journey. As judgmental as it is, I've always had a hard time understanding people who lose a large amount of weight, only to gain it back. Now I understand how easy it is to revert back to old habits.
I also understand that these extra 20 pounds make me feel utterly uncomfortable and I'm not going to let myself stay this way. I'm ready to continue to transform myself into the healthiest possible version of myself. I'm ready to find a way to be comfortable in my own skin, with the body that I have.
And I'm ready to move forward.