Woman lost 200 pounds, now miserable?

First, watch here: http://gma.yahoo.com/video/gma-woman-loses-200-pounds-080000296.html

This story immediately caught my attention on Good Morning America today. The headline was "Woman Loses 200 Pounds, Now Miserable" and told the story of Jen Larson, who had gastric bypass surgery at 308 pounds, and how after losing 200 pounds found herself miserable.

"What, the what?!" most people were probably thinking watching this story over their morning coffee. But I was intrigued by the headline and I was enthralled once the segment came on my TV. I stood there captivated, understanding all to well what Jen lamented about her significant amount of weight loss, feeling the anxiety come over me from how much I identified with exactly. what. she. said.

GMA Interviewer: Did you find yourself becoming more obsessed with your weight when you were thin?
Jen: Absolutely. You know, being thin didn't make me happy. I'm still looking in the mirror and I'm still hating what I see and how is this even possible?

Shut. The. Front. Door. This. is. me.

I often try to articulate how much more self-conscious I am about my body now that I've lost a significant amount of weight. I always feel uncomfortable when I mention it to friends, family, etc, so I don't do it very often. But the truth is, I NEVER looked in the mirror when I was heavier with the same HATE and DISGUST that I do now that I am smaller. Especially now that I'm up 25 pounds from my lowest weight. I am still 5-6 dress sizes SMALLER than my biggest, and yet I look in the mirror with disgust EVERY. SINGLE. DAY.

Another "Ah-ha" moment was when they interviewed Psychoanalyst, Bethany Marshall, "Obese people live with the fairytale or the illusion that if they lost the weight their lives would be better. But what happens is when they lose the buffer they feel people are scrutinizing them."




I never thought that weight loss was an automatic fix to all of life's problems, but the part where she talks about the buffer being lost is so true. When you carry around an extra 100 or 200 pounds, you feel like you have an invisibility cloak protecting you from the scrutiny of public eyes. Although this is ludicrous. I'm here to tell you I am more "noticed" at my current size than I ever was at 350+ pounds. People look you in the eye more often, hold open doors more often, make friendly conversation more often, and then there is the issue of extra attention from the opposite sex. These are all things I've had to figure out how to internalize and deal with and I'm still figuring it out.

I truly believe these are things hindering my weight loss. I've had to re-learn to live in new skin, so to speak, and I think my inability to do that at the moment is turning me back into the food addict I was at 355 pounds. I am regressing and spiraling out of control.

I don't want people to think that losing weight is a bad decision. It 150% was the best thing I've ever done for my life and gave me SO much more confidence and ability to live life with fewer worries. I am glad I am still fighting to continue until I am 100% the healthiest and strongest I can be because I know that is what's best for my quality of life. However, seeing this segment gave me a voice. It made me realize these feelings - every single one of them - are normal. Now that I have this realization in the back of my mind, I feel like I can approach this next chapter of the journey with clearer eyes and continue to fight the good fight.

Emotional Eating

Emotional eating is something I've done for my entire life. I think many people who suffer from obesity have had their turn with emotional eating.

When I was bored? I'd find something tasty to eat - like a pair of Swiss cake rolls (or 2).

Stressed? Mad? Sad? I always turned to food.

Happy? That was an occasion for food too.

There. was. always. food.

I don't remember much from my Biggest Loser application, but I remember one specific question that said "Food is..." and let you fill in the blank. I wrote "Food is everything. When I am sad, I turn to food. Mad - there's food for that too. Even happiness is celebrated by food."

I've done pretty good over the last 15 months to control my emotional urges towards food. My only rule for overcoming this was eat when I am hungry, do something else if I'm not.

Tonight, after a stressful week at work, I wanted nothing but a trough of fried Chinese food and to sink into my couch and not talk to a soul for the whole weekend.

Check on the first part of that. (I'm working on the whole not talking to anyone thing.)

I've had a great week food wise. Despite eating that 450 calorie cookie Tuesday, my food choices overall have been good. Exercise has been great and the scale is moving.

I knew I was choosing General Tso's chicken for the wrong reasons. Sure, I wanted it because it tastes good, but what's more - the thought of eating it was comforting. Chinese food was a staple in my "past life" and the thought of a Friday night in front of the TV with Crab Rangoon sounded like the best solution as I was driving home almost in tears from the frustration of dealing with stupidity.

(Side note: If I ever win the lottery, the first thing I'm getting is a chauffeur. Seriously.)

But I digress, I don't know where I'm going with this...confession? Maybe. But I feel better talking about it. I know making this one bad choice tonight isn't going to make me gain 6 lbs overnight and somehow eating what was probably about 1,500+ calories is not really making me feel guilty.

I feel more guilty knowing I was making the wrong decision, realizing that I was turning to emotional eating and continuing to make the wrong choice.

It's just one cupcake...

I wrote this awhile ago and never posted it...it seems like a good time now, why? I don't know, for some reason it just feels right and it's something I keep coming back to...

When starting a weight loss journey at 500, 400 or even 300 lbs the weight is quick to fall off. If you've reached 300 lbs or above there is a reason for it. You've most likely succumbed to a lifestyle of processed, fatty foods and eating excessively beyond what your body needs for fuel in addition to a sedentary lifestyle.

When you cut out sugary cokes, your 5x weekly fast food meals, and begin measuring your food into reasonable portions, your body reacts extremely positively. After easily losing the first 50 lbs, you're motivated. After 100, you may still be going strong, but at some point you may become comfortable and lax. You stop measuring food and cease to be acutely conscious of what and how much you are putting in your body. You tell yourself "Oh, it won't bother me if I have a 2nd plateful of food just this one time," because it didn't when you were 300 lbs. And you forget you've said that to yourself twice already this week. You have moments of lapses when you bring home the Little Debbie's from the grocery store and eat all of them in 2 days. I know, I've been there. Both situations have happened so many times.

At a certain point, you have to start working harder to lose the pounds. Having your weekly (or 2x a week) cupcake isn't going to work for you anymore. Indulging in hamburgers and french fries on a regular basis just doesn't work. You have less to lose and in result have less wiggle room to fix your lapses in judgment. You can't starve yourself 5 days a week to overeat the other two days. If you are spending 2 days eating unconsciously, you are eating unconsciously 28% of the time. 3 days and you're there 43% of the time.

It's hard to go from 3,500 calories a day to 2,000. It's so much harder to go from 2,000 to 1,600 or 1,200 and be committed enough to sustain that level through to the end of losing 100 or 200+ pounds.

So much of this journey is a mental game. You have to be constantly motivated, eyes wide-open and re-evaluating your actions at every turn. Sometimes you have to do things that are hard, or uncomfortable or that you don't want to do. It sucks to have to think about every piece of fuel you put in your body as calories or putting it into a calorie tracker, it takes the joy our of savoring a meal, but you know what else sucks? Being 300+ lbs. I know, I was there.

If what worked for you before isn't working for you now, don't you think it's time to re-evaluate how you're doing things and perhaps recommit to the journey that you've started?

Just something to ponder the next time you say, "oh, but it's just one cupcake."

Weigh in - Week 12

Last week's weight 320.4
This week's weight 318.2

2.2 pounds LOST this week

11.2 pounds lost since June 2010

I just want to mention that I am just 18.8 pounds from my goal of losing 30 by the end of 2010. This will also put me under 300 pounds, which is really the prize I have my eye on.

I've had an Ah-HA moment this week: you have to listen to your body and react when it tells you something.

As I mentioned in the previous blog post, yesterday I was resting my back because for the last two weeks I've had lower back pain. My body was telling me to rest even though I am missing my Couch to 5K training. Sitting at home all day left me bored and I may have had a few extra snacks I wouldn't have had otherwise. I was worried the day of inactivity, plus the extra calories would reek havoc on my weigh in. But in reality I LOST 0.2 pounds from yesterday morning to this morning. My body knows what it's doing, I just have to continue to listen.

I also realized that the scale really is your friend. Until I started this blog, I had never owned a scale. Never. And I never wanted to own a scale. I would weigh myself at the gym or get my number at the doctor's office, but I was never interested in tracking my progress.

It took some adjustment when I first brought it home. I would weigh myself everyday and obsess whether the scale had moved or not. Realizing this obsession, I moved the scale from being out in the open in the bathroom where I would see it every morning when I woke up to the bathroom linen closet. I only pull it out when I need to weigh myself and have cut down to weighing just 2-3 times a week. I usually check myself Thursday and again Saturday just so I can see if I need to bump it up for the weekend.

Hope everyone is enjoying their Sunday!